This too shall pass.
A dignity crushed by the cruel letters from lips I have once looked up to. A respect violated, overlooked by the insatiable desire of beasts like me. A body depraved of its purity and esteem that inhabit below the foot. On my lips there was the flavor of saliva that repulsed me. Tongues that travel my neck to my hips; tongues that laugh after I walk away. I went through the painful experience of standing in front of a mirror. But all I see were eyes that saw my burden, untouchable breast traumatized by the hand of my protector. Protector I’m supposed to protect against social perceptions. WHAT ABOUT ME? I had to live a perfect childhood where my walls were crumbling around me and I was naked to the eyes of predators. I had to witness my purity get stolen from me because I had a smile that never fades and a mind who believes appearance can be trusted.
Stay down the first one told me, you are not going to get hurt. My screaming was like the mute button to his ears. I remember his breath against my neck as he rips off my 00 and finding its way with his raw fingers. At least he realized that somehow I was still a child because he threats for a spanking if I keep moving. I never realized even with my mouth shut I would be bearing the blame for the lust of someone twice my age. At least he was somehow stranger to my blood.
Now who are you to tell me to shut my mouth again for the freedom of the one who was supposed to protect me from more disaster? He didn’t understand the lines between a wife and a daughter so he confused mine. I had it in my head that the love I was looking for is not the one found in sex but now I’m not sure if that kind of love even exists because I never get to meet it. I was thirsty for something that I couldn’t describe and he too has taken away my last chance for it. Now all I have left is paranoia that everybody else has a hidden agenda. All I have is a mistrust that gets on my nerves, and a skin that crawls when one of his kinds passes by. How dare you telling me that I seduced him? How dare you thinking that if I never said anything is because I liked it? I have met so many simple minded people that I laugh when I think how much trust I had in me for them. Why should I shelter my murderer? If I decide to forgive for the salvation of my soul that doesn’t mean I have to carry his consequences for him. You can talk to me about how bad he is but you can’t even open your mouth when in front of him to send him to hell.
Do not dance around with your pretty words to explain to me the ugliness of such thing being exposed in the society. What if every other girl in the world had to keep her mouth shut? How many suicides, and insanity would we be able to bear? I was turning silently insane and didn’t even realize it so if writing and talking about these moments make me feel better then that’s the path I am going to take. If taking back my power gives me my dignity and self-esteem back then that’s the path I am going to take. Everybody else who sees that as a sin or a mistake they clearly don’t understand what it feels to have a body that cannot be touched for it is traumatized. They clearly don’t understand what it means to have a heart ripping off inside your body while reaching for air in a perfectly oxygenated atmosphere.
If you’re reading this and you feel like there is something that has been aching you and your thoughts are storming in your brain, know that you are not alone and that there is NOT A THING in life for which there is not a solution. Reach out to your inner self and find that strength and hold on to it until you find your path. People will always be people, judgmental, hypocrite, unreliable, selfish and simple but do not let that blind you as to treat the ones that have been good to you as your enemies. Pray for wisdom, reach for help and find solace in the things you admire the most. Then live YOUR LIFE and be grateful for it.

Life is simple. The only complexity in our world is the mind of those living in it. In my two decades I have come across people who worry about all the wrong things; death, money, illnesses, insanity, and the list goes on. They worry so much about what had happened or what could happen that the daily life is being wasted with boredom and emptiness. Strange as it is, I met people who dread the fact that some are happy eventhough they’ve been through some terribly painful challenges. I called them challenges because they turn out to be a daily fight in our life.

I am taking a philosophy class with a wonderful professor (I stated wonderful because with the wrong prof. philosophy can turn as a boring subject) as I am studying those great philosophers and their theories I have come to the realization that the world is in reality backward and straight up confusing. And if one does not find a subject that fuels the senses with a great interest, he may as well get a rocking chair in a deserted forest and ponder on all the things that could go wrong. Our intelligence goes as far as questioning with a stubborn insistence our very own existence, a subject I wish we all would agree to rest because it will only be an infinite regress. I think our focus should be shifted from “what am I?” to “why do I act a certain way?” though we all can say the first question sometimes leads to the second, I personally think there is a world of difference between these two.

What Am I? To answer that particular question I would have to dissect under a scrutiny microscopically observation every detail about every single part of my body,=. Then reunite the greatest physician to explain the parts that they understand as far their understanding goes. And then reunite the greatest psychologist to explain my behavior and patterns as far as their knowledge can comprehend. Moreover, reunite the best of the greatest philosophers to attempt an explanation about the very marvelous existence of my own being in a world, which were told was once empty and shapeless, as far s they can mentally reach. As much as it disturbs me to admit, we will all be left with a last question which none else can dare to imagine the perfect answer to.

Time wasting time ‘till we’re timeless. This is my way of saying we are born and grow and then choose a path and then die leaving behind some mysterious theories to trigger some new mentality that can only make the world even more confusing. Not to say, however, that these great thinkers have wasted time, not to even mean that while I spend most of my days thinking about the answers to my own question, I too am wasting time. Not at all because the very essence of being born is to explore life at the extent where we draw the line by what we consider to be insane. But would we ever know the real line? Well then, let’s proceed to life carefully. I see, but how do we know the definition of careful since what we consider careful may differ from one person to the next? What I take as careful may be strictly reckless for my neighbor. How do we draw this line seriously?

Therefore the whole point is to draw your personal boundaries as so insanity does not confuse the mind. All this to summarize what my great professor told me “do not consider these theories to the extent of insanity” the way I see it everybody is right at some point in life. Nevertheless, at the end of the day it all falls into two categories “you’re either in or out”. This is just my own version of Blaise Pascal argument about the existence of God; he said “you either believe it or you don’t”. As simple as that. Whether God exist or not, whether he’s good or bad, whether we’re leaving in a dream or reality or even our thinking proves our existence. The overall is that you either believe it or you don’t. When I take that theory and apply it to my own life, I realize I can live through anything if my mind is strong enough to take it. We are so afraid of the truth that we rather spend our time living in denial or even worry about something senseless when we could have been out there living life even for one day or the rest of our days. I spent years living in denial, I had gotten so used to the empty feeling that I sometimes deliberately want to slip back to that fantasy. Every minute I spend pondering on that part of me is a minute I waste living the real life. Every time I slip back to that dreamy painful world is a lack of focus on the things that I can achieve in the present moment. Well, maybe we are all dreaming, dreaming so much that when we wake up we have just enough time to plan our funeral. How many have lost their life carrying a burden that they could have pushed aside by a simple “so what” attitude? This is not per say a carelessness or even a blindness toward what’s right or wrong but rather a-moving-along character that frees you from all those cynical questions that empoison the mind.

Like those great thinkers who never really come up with a definite answer about God’s existence, we all have our limits as to what we can understand. It is not easy to live with that kind of thought because we are stubborn creature. Everyday we face a new challenge, everyday a new question arises and then we go right back to asking “why?” well life is not an answer to a particular question. It is rather the journey that leads toward that question. We all have our little insanity side whether bury inside of us or obvious to the world. The question is not so much why do we have it but rather what do we do with it. We don’t know or may never know the answer to all of our questions. I don’t know and may never know the answer to my quest but all I’m interested in is the inspiration and experiences that my thinking is discovering throughout this journey. Maybe there is no definite answer to none of my questions but I will remember when my shadow surrounds my day I take solace in classical music and writing. I will remember that in quest for reasons I become an expert of my subject. Then I realize I am in love with music, cannot stop writing and psychology incites my interest. Well, there you have it; the reason why the first thing happened is suddenly not that important. The triggering cause becomes simply some “stuff” that I once came across. Suddenly the mind is growing in the right direction and the true intelligence is expanding for a greater good. This is what we call living life. Seize what you love, what you comprehend, seize the best of every subject you come across and let the rest falls where it may.

Our Foundation

After God created Light and darkness heaven and earth, seas and all the animals, he took dust and with his hands he created man, Adam. However, when he took a good look at everything he has created, he wasn’t satisfied. How come?
Imagine all these great things being created moon, stars, flowers, birds, trees and the good man whom he called Adam, and still God, the King of all kings, the Genius of all geeks, felt that something was missing. The creation must have missed something very important if God could feel its incompleteness. Thus, he had the greatest idea. The bible said God said and I quote “It is not good that the man should be alone….” Why would he think that it is not a good thing for Adam to live by himself? Why would he think that a grown man as Adam cannot be on his own? Why would he need to give him a companion? Thus as we all know the story he created the amazing Eve. This tells us all that the creation wouldn’t be complete without our great existence. As they were both living they had the choice to continue to live in this wonderful paradise or struggle to survive, but Eve chose to behave badly and fed Adam with the forbidden apple and God did not let them go unpunished. He punished the snake for his duplicity, Eve for her rebellious curiosity, and Adam for not being responsible and strong enough to resist Eve’s charms until ate the apple.
As a matter of fact, we are all paying the consequences now, and men have dedicated their life to prove their strength. They even make laws to make us women think that they’re superior, and for years we have blindly surrender ourselves. We ignore our power, so they can govern; we hide our charms so they will not go unnoticed and they clearly admit they love it. They do everything so the world can crown them as powerful and they even use the bible to show their significance. Apostle Paul, a great disciple remarked in the bible “Wives submit unto your husband …. For he is the head of the wife…. So let the wives are the subject to their husband on everything.” They are obviously afraid of falling into the same situation as Adam because they might just act worst. And I do not blame Paul because he was just applying the concept of his time. So for him that was the law and any good Christian should obey the law as long as it doesn’t divert your attention from God. Moreover, I’m thinking this is the same reason why Jesus in the ten commandment specifically stated “Thy shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” He knows their weakness and as the great male philosopher, Honor’e de Balzac, stated “Man are like that, they can resist sound and yield at a glance.”
.” What I am going to ask now is very important; why despite the disobedience of Eve God allowed all the great nation, kings and geniuses to come from her? Even Jesus was born from a woman. If woman was so inferior and so restricted from everything at this period of time, what message do you think Jesus wanted to show? But of course, they ignore that because men couldn't stand the idea of women as their equal. Jesus knows us more than anybody in the whole world; in fact, he created us with our natural beauty and strength so despite of the pain mothers feel while delivering baby to the world, they are still the one who carried these geniuses.

A suivre.....