This too shall pass.
A dignity crushed by the cruel letters from lips I have once looked up to. A respect violated, overlooked by the insatiable desire of beasts like me. A body depraved of its purity and esteem that inhabit below the foot. On my lips there was the flavor of saliva that repulsed me. Tongues that travel my neck to my hips; tongues that laugh after I walk away. I went through the painful experience of standing in front of a mirror. But all I see were eyes that saw my burden, untouchable breast traumatized by the hand of my protector. Protector I’m supposed to protect against social perceptions. WHAT ABOUT ME? I had to live a perfect childhood where my walls were crumbling around me and I was naked to the eyes of predators. I had to witness my purity get stolen from me because I had a smile that never fades and a mind who believes appearance can be trusted.
Stay down the first one told me, you are not going to get hurt. My screaming was like the mute button to his ears. I remember his breath against my neck as he rips off my 00 and finding its way with his raw fingers. At least he realized that somehow I was still a child because he threats for a spanking if I keep moving. I never realized even with my mouth shut I would be bearing the blame for the lust of someone twice my age. At least he was somehow stranger to my blood.
Now who are you to tell me to shut my mouth again for the freedom of the one who was supposed to protect me from more disaster? He didn’t understand the lines between a wife and a daughter so he confused mine. I had it in my head that the love I was looking for is not the one found in sex but now I’m not sure if that kind of love even exists because I never get to meet it. I was thirsty for something that I couldn’t describe and he too has taken away my last chance for it. Now all I have left is paranoia that everybody else has a hidden agenda. All I have is a mistrust that gets on my nerves, and a skin that crawls when one of his kinds passes by. How dare you telling me that I seduced him? How dare you thinking that if I never said anything is because I liked it? I have met so many simple minded people that I laugh when I think how much trust I had in me for them. Why should I shelter my murderer? If I decide to forgive for the salvation of my soul that doesn’t mean I have to carry his consequences for him. You can talk to me about how bad he is but you can’t even open your mouth when in front of him to send him to hell.
Do not dance around with your pretty words to explain to me the ugliness of such thing being exposed in the society. What if every other girl in the world had to keep her mouth shut? How many suicides, and insanity would we be able to bear? I was turning silently insane and didn’t even realize it so if writing and talking about these moments make me feel better then that’s the path I am going to take. If taking back my power gives me my dignity and self-esteem back then that’s the path I am going to take. Everybody else who sees that as a sin or a mistake they clearly don’t understand what it feels to have a body that cannot be touched for it is traumatized. They clearly don’t understand what it means to have a heart ripping off inside your body while reaching for air in a perfectly oxygenated atmosphere.
If you’re reading this and you feel like there is something that has been aching you and your thoughts are storming in your brain, know that you are not alone and that there is NOT A THING in life for which there is not a solution. Reach out to your inner self and find that strength and hold on to it until you find your path. People will always be people, judgmental, hypocrite, unreliable, selfish and simple but do not let that blind you as to treat the ones that have been good to you as your enemies. Pray for wisdom, reach for help and find solace in the things you admire the most. Then live YOUR LIFE and be grateful for it.